Why is My Daughter Suddenly Locking Herself in her Room?

A question I hear constantly from parents: "Why is my daughter spending so much time in her room?" You've probably noticed your tween or teen daughter is spending more time alone and seems to be generally annoyed by your presence. And you are certain that she's going to injure her eyes from all that eye-rolling! You're most likely wondering what is going on with her, and whether you need to be concerned. This blog and the ones to follow will address these concerns, how to handle them, and when to worry.

Around the age of 11-13, most teens start to pull away from their parents and "find themselves" with their peers. It's important to remember that this is developmentally appropriate. In most likely a combination of unconscious and conscious needs, she is preparing herself for leaving at some point and having to take care of herself. Developmentally appropriate stage? Yes. Easy for parents? No.

I can't tell you how many parents I have supported who have asked me, "What do I do? Is this "normal" teenage behavior, or is this something more?" If you are anything like the parents I have supported, you probably feel like your relationship is struggling and you aren't sure how to both give her the space she craves and still be connected to her. As the author of "Untangled" Lisa Damour, Ph.D. describes it, your daughter is learning to swim in the great, big ocean of life and you are her swimming pool. You provide safety and boundaries, and she will grab onto you for support, but she is also going to push off of you to try swimming in the ocean alone.

So what can you do?

• Have family dinners. Research says that family dinners improve grades and psychological health. It also says that family dinners are effective even when the teen feels disconnected from her family. It doesn't have to be every night, and it can take various forms. What is important is that time is prioritized with your daughter (even when her company is not necessarily enjoyable). Set a routine so that she knows when she is expected at dinner. Have it be that constant that she needs.
• Offer to be the driver! I know, it's not ideal to leave your warm house late on a Friday night to drive a bunch of teenage girls around, but it will most likely be worth your time. Girls tend to talk more in the car, and if you just drive and don't try to participate in their conversations, they tend to forget you are there. You will most likely be privy to some information that sheds light into her life. Added bonus? You will know she is safe since you are the one driving.
• Spend time with her. Sit on the couch watching her favorite show (which you might happen to hate). Let her choose the music in he car. Just be present with her. The more you are there, without an agenda of asking questions or getting information, the more she will trust you and the relationship you have.
• Have empathy - for your daughter and yourself! This stage is going to be (or already is) really hard on you as a parent. You miss your little girl, and might even feel hurt by the way she is now giving you the cold shoulder. Validate those feelings, but don't let them get in the way of being there for her. If you avoid spending time with her because you are hurt or fearful of what she might say or do, it could drive you further apart. Your daughter needs to know that you will remain a constant for her, and that you are strong enough to handle what she is putting out there.
• Make sure she's getting support in some capacity. Whether it's you, a trusted relative, or a therapist, both she and you will fare better if she has a trusting space to find herself (and one that balances the messages she may get from her peers).

When to Worry:

• If she is isolating herself
• If she has no desire to connect with peers
• If you have concerns about the peers with whom she is choosing to spend time

If you have concerns about your tween or teen daughter or are unsure how to best navigate this time, reach out for support. A therapist will be able to evaluate any concerns and discuss whether additional supports are needed. Teen groups can be an excellent way for your daughter to explore who she is becoming in a safe environment while learning the skills she needs to be a strong woman.

Please fill out the form below if you are interested in more information on groups for tween/teen girls.

Raising Strong Women

I was reading a book recently by Anea Bogue and how to empower young girls. She mentioned a statistic in the book: that girls' self-esteem peaks at age nine. NINE! After which, for most girls, it plummets. That statistic is so incredible to me. Where are we, as a society, going wrong? How are we raising generations of young women who feel incompetent, inadequate, and unworthy?

The thing is, the messages these girls are receiving are usually not ill-intentioned; they unfortunately come from us being unaware or uninformed. They come from us as parents, family members, educators, and therapists. They come from the movies, TV, and magazines our girls see. The good news is, since we have created these messages, we can change them! Here are five simple ways we can start this change toward raising the self esteem of our daughters and reminding them of their inherent strength.

• Pay attention to what your daughter is reading and watching. Movies, books, and fairy tales usually send a very similar message: a damsel in distress needs a strong man to save her from an ugly villain (who usually happens to be a woman - think Ursula from The Little Mermaid or the mother in Tangled). Find books and movies that show a strong female main character. And if your daughter wants to watch movies or read books that send a questionable message, talk to her about that. Have conversations about what she's exposed to and what messages it could send.

• Praise your daughter for more than her looks. There is nothing wrong with telling your daughter she is beautiful. But also tell her that she's smart, and strong, and kind, and that she can do anything she wants. And tell her every day!

• Don't save her when things get tough. Teach her how to change a flat tire and to stand up for herself with peers or romantic interests. She needs to know that she can save herself. If she has a dad or brother who "protects" her or saves her, she's learning she can't do it on her own.

• Teach your sons these same things! A big part of this change is raising our sons with the same kind of message: that girls are strong and can take care of themselves. We want girls to see themselves as competent, adequate, and worthy. But we want boys to see girls that way too! Added bonus? It would take some of the pressure off boys to become society's definition of a "man."

• Dads, be a part of this conversation, too. What better introduction to being a capable woman than to get the message at the start from her father.

We all do the best we can with what we have, right? But when we know better, we do better. Let's do better for our girls.

If you are interested in learning more about groups to empower young girls, click here.

If you are interested in additional resources on this topic, click here.