Teens & Technology - How to Keep Them Safe!

At my practice, The Center for Family Empowerment, I ran a free parent workshop over the weekend to help parents understand teens and technology. We spent 2 hours connecting and discussing some really important issues related to this topic: cyber bullying, when and how to set limits with phone use, how much time kids/teens should be on the phone, and how to foster in person relationships. 

For younger children, the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends the following: 

• For children under 18 months, avoid screen-based media except video chatting.
• For children 18 months to 24 months, parents should choose high-quality programming and watch with their children.
• For children 2 to 5, limit screen time to one hour per day of high-quality programming.
• For children 6 and up, establish consistent limits on the time spent using media and the types of media. 

But.... there are very few recommendations for older children and teens! I hear so often from parents that they don't know where to start with setting limits, especially because teens are connected for more reasons than just social (think school assignments!). And we also know that recent research has showed that teens are experiencing higher levels of anxiety and depression, and that has been linked in part to increased use of technology and social media. So, where do we begin?

The good news is that with few recommendations, it leaves these decisions up to the parents. The bad news? The parents have to know where to begin! Consider this... when your child first starts doing something age appropriate but that could have risks involved, you most likely go through rules and expectations, right? For example, when your child first started walking to a friend's house, you probably addressed crossing streets, and stranger danger, and what time to be home,. Well, the same needs to go for technology. When our kids grow up in a world that has so much technology, we often forget to have a simple conversation about the dangers and rules that go along with it. I've talked with so many parents who had kids using technology at a young age, and now that they are older, are struggling with going backwards to introduce boundaries with it. But the good news again? It can be done!

1. Know your goals so you can set rules: consider what your technology expectations are - what is allowed? when is it allowed? 

Typically I recommend technology-free family time, when everyone in the home has to put all technology away for say, 2 hours. This is time to connect, give each other your full attention, and model for your children that we don't need to always be connected.

I also recommend no screen time at least 30-min before bed time (ideally 1 hour) to give our brains a chance to slow down and prepare for sleep. Did you know that the waves emitted from screens can make it hard for us to fall asleep and stay asleep?

2. Communicate these rules clearly and enforce consistently: have an open conversation with your child about safety and rules and have a plan for what happens when the rules aren't followed.

3. What needs to happen before screen time? Think age and maturity level of your child, family values, and whether there are responsibilities that need to be completed prior to earning technology.

*Coming soon.... part 2 of this conversation, which includes discussions about why our teens are so impacted by technology and what we can do with it.

If you're interested in a more comprehensive list of guidelines - including more detail to the tips above, a list of apps that can help keep your child safe, and a checklist that will help you determine if your child is being negatively impacted by technology - leave your email below to have my Safe Technology packet delivered free right to your inbox!

Reframing Negative Thoughts for Teens

"I can't believe she didn't text me back yet. Either she's mad at me or just doesn't like me anymore!"

"It's not fair that I can't go out with my friends tomorrow! I hate you!"

"There's no way I'm going to pass my math test. I suck at math and my teacher hates me."

Sound familiar? Probably. As a parent of a tween or teen, you're probably used to these types of statements and chalk them up to your tween or teen being...well... a tween or teen. And while it isnormal for them to experience moodiness and irritability, we really do need to look at patterns of negative thinking and how they actually negatively impact academic and social success, happiness, self-esteem, and confidence.

Our thoughts are powerful. If we think we are going to fail our math test, or get stuck in the judgment of something being unfair, or are convinced that our friend no longer likes us - we can actually create that outcome. The good news? We also have the power to control our thoughts and change to positive outcomes!

Why do tweens and teens tend to struggle with negative self-talk?
As they are going through the typical developmental changes and transitions, they are more likely to be vulnerable to insecurities and believing the worst. Research suggests this is one of the reasons why teens experience high levels of anxiety, depression, anger, and relationship struggles.

How can you as parents help your tween or teen with these negative thought patterns?
Don't start by telling them that they are wrong! This actually tends to make the thought stick harder. Parents can start by recognizing the negative self-talk, validate the emotions behind the self-talk, and then challenge it.

Here's the first helpful hint on what to look for as parents and how to help your teen:

1. Catastrophizing is one of the most common negative thought patterns in which we tend to get stuck. This means jumping to the worst case scenario. "I'm going to fail my math test because I suck at math. And then I'm going to fail math this year, which will mean that I don't make honor roll, which will mean that I'm definitely not getting into college!" This type of thinking can very quickly lead to anxious thoughts and feelings.

*TIP: when you hear your teen catastrophizing, ask them to consider the worst possible outcome (I actually do fail my math test), the best outcome (I get an A on my math test), and the likely outcome (I do just fine on my test).
      Then ask them to imagine that the worst outcome comes true (I fail my math test). Does it still matter: one week from now? One month from now? One year from now?

This will now make them more likely to distinguish between the irrational thought (I'm not getting into college) and the rational thought (I will most likely do just fine on my test). 

Stay tuned for more helpful hints on the way!

*Could your daughter benefit from learning ways to challenge and reframe these negative thoughts? If so, she might be a great fit for our Girls Empowered groups. More info here.

Have questions or need support for your teen? Contact us using the form below.

Empowering Your Daughter Through Groups

I am SO EXCITED to have been interviewed on the Launching Your Daughter podcast last week. If you aren't familiar with this podcast, you should be! Nicole Burgess, LMFT is the host, and she interviews experts in the field who specialize in supporting and empowering tween and teen girls.

Nicole invited me on her show for episode 30, so we could discuss how and why groups work when empowering girls. I run several groups for girls, and feel incredibly passionate about both group work and girl empowerment! So why do groups work? Here are a few of the main benefits.

• Connection! This is arguably the biggest factor in groups being successful. Research says that just feeling connected to others in a similar situation boosts self esteem and decreases feelings of anxiety and depression.
  • "Being able to feel safe with other people is probably the single most important aspect of mental health; safe connections are fundamental to meaningful and satisfying lives."    - Bessel Van Der Kolk
• Realizing you are not alone. This was one of the main reasons behind starting my groups. I hear so frequently with individual clients things like: "I'm the only one who feels this way," "None of my friends struggle with this," "There's something wrong with me." Something magical happens when a group starts and they realize they actually aren't alone, and that there's nothing wrong with any of them.
• More people = more fun in learning skills! When working on building self-esteem, increasing confidence, and managing intense emotions, I love to use expressive arts. And that is always more fun with lots of people. We might watch video clips, or make collages, or listen to music, or do an art project. The girls have an opportunity to learn from each other, and build connections through the use of these fun skill-building activities.
• Great practice for real life. Groups often mimic real life and provide a safe space to practice things like confidence, assertiveness, and social skills. For example, for the girl who struggles with finding her voice and being assertive, group would be a great opportunity to practice learning and using those skills. Or for the girl who struggles with accepting a compliment (as most girls do), she will have an opportunity to practice accepting compliments through activities built to master this skill.

Wondering if a group might help empower your tween or teen daughter? Enter your email below and I'll contact you to figure out the next best steps!

The Social Challenges of Middle School

If you have a child in middle school, you are aware of how challenging it can be. Their brains are developing, their bodies are maturing, and their emotions are at an all time high. Research says that:

• over 10% of teens suffer from chronic anxiety
• the levels of anxiety, depression, and stress in middle schoolers are on a steady incline
• this is all most common in girls

So why is middle school so hard, especially for girls? If you read my recent post, you know that around the age of middle school is when most teens start "replacing" their family with a new peer group. Lisa Damour, Ph.D. calls this stage "joining a new tribe." (I reference Lisa's work a lot. If you haven't read her book Untangled, you should!). It's no surprise, and completely understandable, that teens want to be liked by their peers. And given the importance of finding a new peer group, girls often become emotionally undone when they are fighting with their friends. If you have a daughter, you know what I mean!

These "tribe" challenges actually seem to be worse in middle school. Girls in grades six through eight seem to be more vulnerable to social stressors, which makes them more likely to either be a "mean girl" or put up with mean girls as a way to fit in. So how can you help your daughter manage social stresses and develop into the kind and assertive girl you know she is?

Research has shown three groups of middle school girls: those who are popular but not liked, those who are liked but not popular, and those who are both well-liked AND popular. This last group - the girls who are both well-liked and popular - have found the rare sweet spot of being both friendly and assertive. And these are the skills that you want for your daughter. 

1. Challenge the definition of the word popular. Popularity often equates to being mean or feared, thus making one powerful. When your daughter talks about the "popular" girls in school, ask questions to help her see that popularity through power is not all she thinks it is. "When you say popular, do you mean kids like her or they are scared of her?" "Is she friendly or is she feared?"

2. DON'T interfere by calling parents. When your daughter is hurt, left out, or treated unkindly, you might want to call the parent's of the offending teens to voice your concerns. Unless there is a major issue (like bullying) avoid calling parents. Trust me, it will make things more difficult for your daughter if you interfere.

3. Challenge the idea that, culturally, girls learn to be either kind OR assertive. Either Cinderella OR her stepsisters. Ariel OR Ursula. I touched on this in a previous blog post. Girls are taught from an early age that "good" girls are kind, well-behaved, pretty, and passive. In reality, we should be teaching our girls that they can be kind AND assertive. Stand up for themselves AND respect others. Validating your teen is really important here (and always, actually). Have conversations with your daughter; remind her that she is allowed to have whatever feeling is there, it's what she does as a result that matters.

4. Support her. Be available. And remember that what you don't say is just as important as what you do say. Normalize what she's going through, and ask questions from a truly curious place. Take any opportunity to remind her that she's strong, capable, and kind.

Even though these social stresses are a part of normal development, there are things we can do to ease the challenges and support our daughters as they develop into strong women. However, if your daughter is struggling with social skills, is socially isolated, being bullied, or being a bully, you should seek professional support as these are more extreme than normal development.

I'm a big believer in prevention, which is why I run a Strong Girls group to help young girls address the challenges of middle school in a safe space that provides support, connection, and skill-building. Enrollment is now open for a new round of groups - read about it here!

Could you benefit from regular parenting tips to help empower your daughter? Leave your email below.

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Why is My Daughter Suddenly Locking Herself in her Room?

A question I hear constantly from parents: "Why is my daughter spending so much time in her room?" You've probably noticed your tween or teen daughter is spending more time alone and seems to be generally annoyed by your presence. And you are certain that she's going to injure her eyes from all that eye-rolling! You're most likely wondering what is going on with her, and whether you need to be concerned. This blog and the ones to follow will address these concerns, how to handle them, and when to worry.

Around the age of 11-13, most teens start to pull away from their parents and "find themselves" with their peers. It's important to remember that this is developmentally appropriate. In most likely a combination of unconscious and conscious needs, she is preparing herself for leaving at some point and having to take care of herself. Developmentally appropriate stage? Yes. Easy for parents? No.

I can't tell you how many parents I have supported who have asked me, "What do I do? Is this "normal" teenage behavior, or is this something more?" If you are anything like the parents I have supported, you probably feel like your relationship is struggling and you aren't sure how to both give her the space she craves and still be connected to her. As the author of "Untangled" Lisa Damour, Ph.D. describes it, your daughter is learning to swim in the great, big ocean of life and you are her swimming pool. You provide safety and boundaries, and she will grab onto you for support, but she is also going to push off of you to try swimming in the ocean alone.

So what can you do?

• Have family dinners. Research says that family dinners improve grades and psychological health. It also says that family dinners are effective even when the teen feels disconnected from her family. It doesn't have to be every night, and it can take various forms. What is important is that time is prioritized with your daughter (even when her company is not necessarily enjoyable). Set a routine so that she knows when she is expected at dinner. Have it be that constant that she needs.
• Offer to be the driver! I know, it's not ideal to leave your warm house late on a Friday night to drive a bunch of teenage girls around, but it will most likely be worth your time. Girls tend to talk more in the car, and if you just drive and don't try to participate in their conversations, they tend to forget you are there. You will most likely be privy to some information that sheds light into her life. Added bonus? You will know she is safe since you are the one driving.
• Spend time with her. Sit on the couch watching her favorite show (which you might happen to hate). Let her choose the music in he car. Just be present with her. The more you are there, without an agenda of asking questions or getting information, the more she will trust you and the relationship you have.
• Have empathy - for your daughter and yourself! This stage is going to be (or already is) really hard on you as a parent. You miss your little girl, and might even feel hurt by the way she is now giving you the cold shoulder. Validate those feelings, but don't let them get in the way of being there for her. If you avoid spending time with her because you are hurt or fearful of what she might say or do, it could drive you further apart. Your daughter needs to know that you will remain a constant for her, and that you are strong enough to handle what she is putting out there.
• Make sure she's getting support in some capacity. Whether it's you, a trusted relative, or a therapist, both she and you will fare better if she has a trusting space to find herself (and one that balances the messages she may get from her peers).

When to Worry:

• If she is isolating herself
• If she has no desire to connect with peers
• If you have concerns about the peers with whom she is choosing to spend time

If you have concerns about your tween or teen daughter or are unsure how to best navigate this time, reach out for support. A therapist will be able to evaluate any concerns and discuss whether additional supports are needed. Teen groups can be an excellent way for your daughter to explore who she is becoming in a safe environment while learning the skills she needs to be a strong woman.

Please fill out the form below if you are interested in more information on groups for tween/teen girls.