If you have a child in middle school, you are aware of how challenging it can be. Their brains are developing, their bodies are maturing, and their emotions are at an all time high. Research says that:
- over 10% of teens suffer from chronic anxiety
- the levels of anxiety, depression, and stress in middle schoolers are on a steady incline
- this is all most common in girls
So why is middle school so hard, especially for girls? If you read my recent post, you know that around the age of middle school is when most teens start "replacing" their family with a new peer group. Lisa Damour, Ph.D. calls this stage "joining a new tribe." (I reference Lisa's work a lot. If you haven't read her book Untangled, you should!). It's no surprise, and completely understandable, that teens want to be liked by their peers. And given the importance of finding a new peer group, girls often become emotionally undone when they are fighting with their friends. If you have a daughter, you know what I mean!
These "tribe" challenges actually seem to be worse in middle school. Girls in grades six through eight seem to be more vulnerable to social stressors, which makes them more likely to either be a "mean girl" or put up with mean girls as a way to fit in. So how can you help your daughter manage social stresses and develop into the kind and assertive girl you know she is?
Research has shown three groups of middle school girls: those who are popular but not liked, those who are liked but not popular, and those who are both well-liked AND popular. This last group - the girls who are both well-liked and popular - have found the rare sweet spot of being both friendly and assertive. And these are the skills that you want for your daughter.
1. Challenge the definition of the word popular. Popularity often equates to being mean or feared, thus making one powerful. When your daughter talks about the "popular" girls in school, ask questions to help her see that popularity through power is not all she thinks it is. "When you say popular, do you mean kids like her or they are scared of her?" "Is she friendly or is she feared?"
2. DON'T interfere by calling parents. When your daughter is hurt, left out, or treated unkindly, you might want to call the parent's of the offending teens to voice your concerns. Unless there is a major issue (like bullying) avoid calling parents. Trust me, it will make things more difficult for your daughter if you interfere.
3. Challenge the idea that, culturally, girls learn to be either kind OR assertive. Either Cinderella OR her stepsisters. Ariel OR Ursula. I touched on this in a previous blog post. Girls are taught from an early age that "good" girls are kind, well-behaved, pretty, and passive. In reality, we should be teaching our girls that they can be kind AND assertive. Stand up for themselves AND respect others. Validating your teen is really important here (and always, actually). Have conversations with your daughter; remind her that she is allowed to have whatever feeling is there, it's what she does as a result that matters.
4. Support her. Be available. And remember that what you don't say is just as important as what you do say. Normalize what she's going through, and ask questions from a truly curious place. Take any opportunity to remind her that she's strong, capable, and kind.
Even though these social stresses are a part of normal development, there are things we can do to ease the challenges and support our daughters as they develop into strong women. However, if your daughter is struggling with social skills, is socially isolated, being bullied, or being a bully, you should seek professional support as these are more extreme than normal development.
I'm a big believer in prevention, which is why I run a Strong Girls group to help young girls address the challenges of middle school in a safe space that provides support, connection, and skill-building. Enrollment is now open for a new round of groups - read about it here!
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